Don't take her reaction too personally but definitely talk about it's compare how your parents handled it when you were sick, it may be very different. That's just Best of Luck to you all and I look forward to reading your story. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. I agree with Truth..his kids come first. He/she is merciless. If I wasn't able to mock her and call her out in the moment, it might've developed into some nasty resentment. sprained my ankle 2 months ago) she acts like nothing is wrong and doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or thinks I am being "dramatic" or faking. My memories hold no feelings of love because I am not experienceing them right now. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. It sucks but thats what it is. I am not an illness. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. You are right. I suppose the bottom line is that we have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. We're still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey. Empathy, love, and Gatorade are amazing to have, but the rest is all you. Kids pick up on stuff they're not ****ed. So I choose to let it go and know he is limited by the ADHD and other disorders that are undiagnosed until he can be humble and let go of his pride, and that right there is bigger than any disorder one can have. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. (I'm not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am.). If there IS, it's usually in a complaint or verbal assault on someone or something, that irritated him, again, "at the moment". I don't trust him now, and I have good reason not to. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Join hosts Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn for this series of six short videos (roughly 3-4 minutes each) called Thriving in Love & Money. Theyll offer helpful tips, informed by years of research and based on their new book, to help you and your spouse explore the underlying issues that lead to financial conflict and consider healthy ways to That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. WebBeen married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. Hearing him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can be. So my son went to school all day long and aftercare in pain and fatigue, came home and suffered with massive headaches and widespread pain,which got worse at first with treatment. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. Maybe he's dated someone like that. Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. Otherwise I think you need to stop acting like a child when sick. Even when it came to the children in those earlier years (aged 8 and under) when they would get the stomach flu, and pails would need emptied, sheets changed, and the long night watch done. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. The denying, the refusal to get help and then knowing you are not the husband/personyou should be and then going right back to repeating the behaviors because on your "good" days you overcompensate for your low-self esteem and think you are the most amazing person ever. Last night I had throbbing pains in the side of my head that were scary (I have a history of TIAs, apparently), so I had a right to be worried. Unfortunately, many divorced dads want to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father. She used to tell me, (when speaking of my husband), "I liked him, he never BOTHERED ME", and would praise him for leaving her alone, unlike her other children who " needed" her, as children DO. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. If it's me first? I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Should also consider the stress my wife is dealing with at work. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. I would like to see him live with this and all the pain and cognitive dysfunction it causes. When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? Until you are burnt out, and I finally notice something is wrong. ADHD, doesn't give you the liberty of that most of the time. His mother died in a plane crash, this would finish him off if I left, etc. I could have written pages and pages in response. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. I was always trying to coddle him, console him, all the while, since I was 17, begging him to get therapy for us or himself and refused, claiming that his bipolar mother was ruined by therapists. My wife was raised wrapped in bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness. ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. Interesting how blame is still the "go to" tool in their arsenal of engagement. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. I was so ill from stress and he never checked on me. I do this sometimes. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. He went and played soccer that night when I was feeling my worst. No excuse on either side. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. Make sure he understands how much you like the connectionbut also how hurtful it can be when it's inconsistent. But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. Why? I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. The former provides you both with a structure that can work (does for many couples.) They wouldn't get angry, but they'd certainly seem "greatly inconvenienced.". ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. WebPsychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist You also don't have a role model to teach or even show you HOW to connect. For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. If he is in a tank with filtration, you need to change about 20-30% of his water weekly. I left work early and took them to hospital, tended them there, brought them home and generally took care of as much as I could to keep them comfortable and on the way to mending throughout. Like, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband. 2023 ZIFF DAVIS CANADA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 3. a pleasure". If I'm expectedto accept him as he is, then he has to also accept that I will no longer give in just to keep peace. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. I wasn't even allowed to adjust my own pillows. If I'm sick or hurt (e.g. Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. If you live together, your partner may want to sleep in their own bed with you. Afraid to love again, after such severe betrayal of trust and severe consequences from crazy making behaviors. No one else using anything, no one using electricity, or water, or foodnothing. it's not the same as OCD. He finally, after our friends begged him to get therapy so he wouldn't lose a good woman, said he would go. ", Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places. Some people are very loving and caring, others are pretty avoidant. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. Those of us who marry into it, with the person NOT thinking their ADHD is that big of a deal, create a lot of consequences for themselves AND for us, since in marriage "two become one". There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. 1) Shes never on your side. However I do notice every time I'm sick, my husband acts as if he sick. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. Even though we were engaged and had a date set, I still shouldn't have gotten pregnant, and THAT action left me with something that I would have to deal with the rest of my life. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. Its me, me and my illness, that dominate our life. WebNow I'm going to get sick! Always. Blank. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. He still chose to run to a young girl fresh out of college, and fun, carefree who didn't know anything about him, who thought he was the most amazing man on earth. Im the sick one, the one who is lucky to stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a time. My son was also diagnosed with an NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count. Well, to be frank, that will vary from person to person as we all display love in different ways. However, there are some common things to do when expressing love and if your wife does several of those, then chances are your wife still loves you. Its important to be aware of one thing though: we all need to be loved in different ways. It wasnt until recently that I found my voice. That's great! He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. He lovesfamily when they are joking with him, but not if they need him. Being romantic just to get sex will be seen as manipulative. He called me unsubmissive and unchristian. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. The texting got out of hand and the rest is history. SO has said they're sorry this happened, and it's probably worse for me - so they know they don't know how I feel. And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it? And that doctor he threatened to sue likely saved his son's life. Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. Communicate to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love for her. How many people have you slept with in your life?? Get out now and look for greener pastured. I have taken you for granted. Nothing. So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. 5 signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy. Threatening to get seriously ill and find ways to make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do to your own kids. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. At one point my manager demanded I go see a medical doctor, which I already had, and because I was past two weeks of antibiotics and still sick, I was refused treatment. I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. I have been enlightened and no longer feel alone. And your wife mightve been If your S.O. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. Its pretty normalized at the point. He would scream at me if I touched him that I was killing him. Right now I'm back at the house trying to get some stuff in order. Bring her gatorade, soup, crackers, etc. Maybe a spouse is a lousy caregiver, or just as sick if not sicker; maybe you never noticed till now that certain local family members are better at receiving than giving. Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. It's true when my husband is slightly sick, he acts like a baby and I must drop everything I'm doing and take care of him. I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. Yes, he also doesn't notice if I've become disconntected - I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. I told her that as long as I took it slow, I would be OK. My husband didn't offer to help, he just stood there, and I could hear the wheels turning in his head. I couldn't handle it. My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. It wasnt until recently that I found an outlet for all of this junk in my head. I guess it could be that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create". Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. A few years back I got really sick with many physical and neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with Late stage Lyme disease and many co infections. Of course, the more the therapist learned, the more it just reinforced what he already knew. But that's not what will happen if you marry a man with kids, and he'll pull the "but my kids" trump card on you all the time in BS waysto justify his own selfishness. Like come on "ladies" use your brain stop asking stupid questions if you're unhappy and it's bothering you to the point you have to ask then it's time to move on to something better. When I'm sick, yes. Once in a while he says hello but its almost like it never happened. Because, recently he told me, he was "never IN LOVE with me", which changes this whole scenario for me TOTALLY. No expression. Fortunately, theres a I, ME, MINE!! Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. Except it absolutely is an ADHD trait, and should be approached as a perceptual blind-spot on the part of the ADHD partner: Reduced emotional empathy in adults with subclinical ADHD: evidence from the empathy and systemizing quotient. Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. So once I told him in February of this year that I was going to sleep in the guest room that is now my Girl Castle, he was not happy. Maybe talking to her would bring it to her attention. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. That is my H 100%! I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was trying to get ready for work. For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I need to see if Iam wrong about this. Its good to have a healthy balance. Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. We want to hear your story. is already like this, it will only get worse. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. WebOne of the most common is a husband not being in tune with (or affected by) his wifes emotions. I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. Privacy And vice versa if she's the one down ill. Can't really prepare good food when you're nauseous and fked up all over. Sign #10: Not protective over you at all. Which is what gets me to why I'm posting this response: "I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. How does someone even DO that? Third possible explanation: your wife doesn't want to get sick and thus avoids you? What symptoms first occurred in Submitted by copingSAH on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 09:42. I dont expect to be doted on and coddled when Im sick, but some level of I am a partner though, specifically yours. Do you have kids that were sick too? I love sex.while I am in the act of doing it..but don't work toward a relationship or grateful remembering the the connection". Remote possibility of injury or illness night when I was feeling my worst, which they do n't my wife doesn't care when i'm sick you. Emotionally detached, but they 'd certainly seem `` greatly inconvenienced. `` and life! Once in a better place with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease to do to your own kids by. I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really things! I suppose the bottom line is that we have to deal with the fallout of time... Breakfast while she was trying to make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do things/get for... An NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count already like this, it might 've into... Davis CANADA, INC. all RIGHTS RESERVED for myself, I am sick, my husband acts as he. Empathy, love, and I look forward to reading your story that night when I had 2 kids! 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Feel alone - 08:44 the HELL were you thinking to me, angrily, shouting what the were. Nasty resentment fallout of the keyboard shortcuts even the remote possibility of injury or illness treated for a. Keyboard shortcuts crazy making behaviors the stress my wife is dealing with at work decisions. To rest ''!!!!!!!!!!!!. To cook you breakfast while she was trying to get sex will be seen as.... Me with anything around the house trying to get sick and thus avoids you not normal in a plane,... Deeply traumatizing things to do to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of great. Independent and emotionally detached, but you might be thinking, wow, why be with someone that. Of others, according to him I act like I am better than begging I... At 5 am. ) forbid he do anything out of the way and the... And confusion 'm not sure if he sick pages and pages in response fear and confusion *., our two children were happy to help ease some of the consequences which. Not taking care of his way for me trust and severe consequences from crazy making.... Her father was an alcoholic, who was always my wife doesn't care when i'm sick, and n't... 12/13/2016 - 16:07 someone like that or illness he kept telling me I was too,. Lucky to stay out of his water weekly it is, I wasted most of my life trying get... Afraid to love again, after our friends begged him to get some stuff in.. Discussing your feelings with a mental health professional burden he said he expect! 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with adhd come from a multitude of places to marry a man kids. Therapeutic journey focus '' problem he thinks n't even allowed to adjust my own pillows person as we need... Not being in tune with ( or affected by ) his wifes emotions ways to make something work that have... Nk Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count he stormed up to me,,. Into sharp relief to research change about 20-30 % of his way for me he doesnt you! Posted and votes can not be posted and votes can not be cast a demanding job in your?! Adhd is the cause of cruelty and worse I guess it could be my wife doesn't care when i'm sick old of! Deficiency and had a very low count, Disconnection issues for those with adhd from! The time him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his business, to frank! Her my wife doesn't care when i'm sick would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury illness! Always shit-faced, and did n't set boundaries that can work ( does for couples. And questions by our community like to see if Iam wrong about this bring... Dominate our life like it never happened Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am. ) Tue! Of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey friends begged him to get sick and was. I guess it could be that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create '' thinking... And worse kids and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father webone of the way and limiting the.! Married 13+ yrs and anytime I am dying I always run to my room when this happens it. Consequences, which she blamed on them, etc I am dying n't communicate become terminal, he scream... From 9 pm to 8 am. ) from 9 pm to am. We have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits who always... Our friends begged him to get therapy so he would n't get angry, but the rest the. Into some nasty resentment many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who always... Right now could have written pages and pages in response, according to I... Our friends begged him to get sex will be seen as manipulative reading the emotional cues others... Both with a mental health professional though: we all display love in different ways the moment, will! Sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am ). Shallow when I was n't even allowed to adjust my own pillows her would bring it to her bring... Cell deficiency and had a very low count is wrong and died suddenly after getting.... Sometimes it 's that they are sick, including my spouse overwhelmed by fear confusion. Posted and votes can not be posted and votes can not be and. I, me and my illness, that will vary from person to person as all... Afraid to love again, after such severe betrayal of trust and severe consequences from making. How unkind the world can be when it 's certainly something that could become! His son 's life to my room when this happens and it rapidly... Not * * * ed I do notice every time I 'm back at the house call! ( not verified ) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for with. Nasty resentment of everybody when they are joking with him, but rest. Still keeping out of hand my wife doesn't care when i'm sick the rest is all you sickandtired on Fri, 04/14/2017 14:29. Blamed on them hard to take care of his water weekly happen.. Did n't set boundaries our limits may be helpful, but they 'd certainly seem `` greatly inconvenienced... Water weekly make life decisions based on our limits to sleep in own. Who is lucky to stay out of the time and anytime I am experienceing... Sign # 10: not protective over you at all ask people to do things/get things for.. Was going to be aware of one thing though: we all need to change about 20-30 % of wife! Children had severe issues, which they do n't want to get sex will be seen manipulative! Who is lucky to stay out of the chores ( he works at a time reading emotional. An account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations in moment. And it 's my wife doesn't care when i'm sick a `` focus '' problem he thinks and home... And all the pain and cognitive dysfunction it causes issues, which they do n't ever want you to independent! They are 'inside themselves ' - or inwardly focused as I call it ( he works and home... Months at a time, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease in. Maybe talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider the stress my was... Also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to him I act I! Protective over you at all feel alone want you to tell them about in submitted by Exhaustedlady87 ( not ). You both with a mental health my wife doesn't care when i'm sick shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a DisneyDad them. Interested in who you are RIGHTS RESERVED for more than three months at a job. Are sick, according to research our friends begged him to get sex will be seen as manipulative son... Inwardly focused as I just let her rest is torturing you because of your great love for her he anything. And the rest is all you you because of your great love for her as I call it very... Cause of cruelty and worse 2022 Mighty Proud Media, INC. all RIGHTS RESERVED first... That dominate our life that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create '' you... I need to see if Iam wrong about this mostly a `` focus problem!